1. Not having enough hair.Are we losing our hair? Can we grow a beard? We need to look like Robin Williams at the start of Jumanjior we are not a man.
2. Having a lame “how we met” story.You’re never going to have a meet cute like they do in the movies. Unfortunately, there’s no way to spin “we were drunk at a frat party” into something anywhere as good as Jack saving Rose’s life, let alone Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore meeting next to a dumpster in The Wedding Singer.That’s way too much pressure.
3. Being short on money.Blame the whole hunter/gatherer society aspect, but men still feel like they need to be able to provide for our family. Unless we’re making Soulja Boy-buying-a-plane level money, we’re always going to feel like we can do more.
4. Aging. No guy wants to get to the point where their whole body has the same texture as their balls and their teeth start falling out. And odds are, we’re not going to wind up going out as gracefully as Clooney.
5. Grand gestures of love.We don’t have the money saved up to rent hot air balloons, to whisk you away. Hell, if I’m ever in a situation where I have to chase after the love of my life in the airport, I’m not making it past the ticket desk. I have about $8 saved up. That’s not enough to buy a ticket to anywhere.
6. Not being able to open a jar. We will try until our hands are slick with blood. This jelly is not getting the best of us. If you’ve asked us to open it for you, the stakes are even higher.
7. Gross insects/bugs/snakes. Men are expected to be able to defend the house, but sometimes that giant spider is making us want to throw up and hide under the bed and then throw up again while we’re under the bed.
8. Guys who have big muscles. “Why can’t I gain muscle?” we ask through mouthfuls of pizza. Sure, maybe muscle bound dudes aren’t so great for cuddling, but we still hate knowing they could beat us up.
9. Being bad at something. We don’t care if this is the first time we’ve ever played lawn darts. We play to win. Yeah, this might be at a child’s birthday party, but if we don’t dominate everyone here will think less of us.
10. Every celebrity’s abs.Come on, we have real jobs. We do not have the time to work out at the gym eight hours a day. We will never look like the leading men in romcoms and spoiler alert: we will probably die of heart disease.
11. Porn. Guys in porn have full heads of hair and muscles and giant penises and ARE YOU LOOKING AT THEM? WE WILL PUNCH THEM. WE WILL PUNCH THEM RIGHT THROUGH THE SCREEN.
12. Setting our friends up with your friends.In the movies, the leads friends always date each other because you need B and C romantic plotlines so everyone can have a happy ending. This inspires you to set up your best friend with our old college roommate who still wears hemp hoodies and is adamant that Karl Marx had some practical ideas. Somehow, when it ends terribly, we’re going to feel awful about it.
13. Bears. Really, anything in the animal kingdom that could kill us. We like always being at the top of the food chain, and knowing we could get eaten at any moment does not make us feel manly.
This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.
Photo credit:Garry Knight/flickr
A teenager has revealed how her mother’s Facebook posts “disgust” her.
The teen – known only as Abbie – told the Dr Phil show she finds her mum Rachel’s behaviour “embarrassing” and she now chooses to live with her grandparents.
Abbie describes her mum as “self-centered” and “a narcissist” who feeds off “drama and chaos”.
She also reveals her mother’s “embarrassing” behaviour, which includes posting pictures of herself on Facebook in revealing clothes.
Abbie says: “My mum dresses like a 16-year-old.
“She loves to show skin. People look at her and say, ‘How old are you? What are you wearing?'”
Abbie said her mum had once dressed up as Miley Cyrus and posted a picture of herself on a strippers’ pole.
On a birthday night her mum had posted a picture of a table of drinks alongside a caption which read: “I may not have my panties but I’ve got alcohol.”
Her mum, Rachel, replied: “I can see how it is taken in such a bad way and that is really not what I meant.”
1. I have a bf
2. I’m on my period
3. I Don’t Suck Dick/Send Nudes
4. I’m Not Mad/ I’m Fine
5. He’s Just A Friend
The author, who calls himself ‘Double D–k Dude,’ came out on a Reddit forum. His book is titled ‘Double Header.’
A MAN with two penises who calls himself ‘Double D*** Dude’ has written a revealing memoir about his wild sexual exploits and painful medical emergencies.
The man, who suffers from an extremely rare medical condition called diphallia, rocketed to fame a year ago after answering questions in an infamous ‘Ask Me Anything’ Reddit thread.
The question-and-answer drew more than 17,000 comments, with the openly bisexual man describing in graphic detail what it’s like to have two 10-inch long, functioning organs.
Now to commemorate the one-year anniversary of the big reveal, the anonymous man has published an e-memoir, Double Header: My Life With Two Penises, about his life.
The author, who claims to have slept with more than 1000 men and women, told Rolling Stone he wrote the memoir because people still had lots of questions.
“Before I was ‘DoubleD***Dude,’ no one cared about what I had to say,” he said. “Since then, I’ve been able to help people who felt alone or lost. I’ve gotten so many messages from people who need encouragement for one thing or another.”
The man, who refused to reveal his identity, said he doesn’t tell all sexual partners about what’s in his pants. He was previously in a polyamorous relationship with a man and woman.
“It really depends on the person and how long I’ve been dating them. During the time when I was all about one-night stands, I’d surprise them. The girls were always difficult,” he wrote. “Guys were always game for action, even the guys who identified as straight. I swear if there was a way to document the interaction I’ve had with men who said they were straight, I’m sure the Kinsey Scale would explode.”
However, the man’s many hair-raising sexual adventures have taken a toll on his body, including torn skin and broken blood vessels.
He said while most of his lovers tend to embrace his body, he has had some hideous experiences.
“Two of the funniest reactions were probably when a girl thought it was a prosthetic and went to pull one of them off and realised it was real. She started shrieking with laughter and almost hyperventilated,” he said.
“The other one was a guy I met since my AMA, who identifies as straight, that said, ‘I’m going to blow you because I want to piss off all my gay buddies’. It cracked me up at first but then when he actually started doing the deed I was impressed.
“The most upsetting was a girl I actually dated seriously after I got over all the one-night stands. We’d dated for about three months with just kissing and cuddling. She finally was ‘ready’ and I put it off for about another month. When it came down to it, I told her that I was built different than most guys and she said she didn’t care. I revealed them to her and she definitely cared. She told me to get out and ended the relationship. It still stings when I think about it.”
In January last year, the double-pronged man answered hundreds of questions on Reddit about his condition. He described how he urinates through both penises, and uses both during sex.
Here are some of the questions and answers.
I guess pretty much like any other guy in puberty. Just had two d***s instead of one. I knew from an early age. But it was not a big deal. My mum said “You just have one extra” and that was it. It wasn’t until I was older that it started to be a hassle.
When I go commando, which is almost always except in winter, they take their own sides. The seam can be a pain sometimes because the skin between them is a little delicate and sensitive.
My friends are so much like me that they don’t bring it up often. One or two wise guys will make comments like “She wants the D’s” as a joke when a girl smiles at me. But other than that they’re so chill about it because they know I don’t want the attention.
Honestly, it was the jerks I was around that made life hell. Once I was done with school, I realised it was something to be proud of … It’s one thing to be KNOWN as the guy with two c***s and another thing to BE the guy with two c***s. And being bisexual meant my d***s were in constant demand. So it got to be kind of a curse for a while.
A buddy nicknamed me Double D.
I generally avoid public bathrooms and if I do use one I try to use the stall and not a wall urinal.
1. She fearlessly brings men into her house
2. She is highly ambitious, and a career woman
3. She assumes the dominant role in a relationship
4. She is feminine, highly intelligent and utterly confident
5. She gets whatever she wants through all means necessary highly assertive
6. She actively pursues pleasure…
7. She is/likes to be always in-charge
8. She pays her things, even on a DATE
9. And above all, SHE IS INDEPENDENT!