Sometimes there’s lights off missionary sex in the bedroom, sometimes there’s spontaneous sex on the sofa during X Factor. And then, sometimes, there’s drunk sex.
1. Flipping heck I’m so hot and naughty even I want me right now.
2. Maybe now’s the time to try out some of those sex positions I saw in Cosmo last week. I’m basically a porn star with my moves tonight.
3. He’s definitely looking at me like he’s banging a Victoria’s Secret model. I knew I was completely 100 per cent smouldering this evening.
4. Should we film this? That might be sexy.
5. Oh Christ, I think I can feel that last Jagerbomb making a bid for escape.
6. All I can smell is sweat and the Subway wrapper on the floor.
7. Oh, OK, he’s going down on me. I mean good luck, I haven’t showered for 16 hours.
8. Why does he always choose to do this when he’s drunk and I’m ahem, unclean?
9. This feels super good and everything, but the cat is watching me.
10. After we’ve finished this maybe I should raid the freezer for something yummy and potato-based to stick in the oven.
11. Oh OK, we’re doing doggy. I feel quite a lot like I’m on a ride at Thorpe Park.
12. Maybe if I close my eyes everything will feel a bit more still and I’ll be able to concentrate on an orgasm.
13. WHY IS THE WHOLE ROOM SPINNING?!
14. Except wait, I can’t really even feel him inside me. Oh, he’s got a semi. That’ll teach him for drinking eight pints in the space of three hours.
15. I’m going to have to use my tongue to sort out this situation aren’t I?
16. Christ, my mouth is dry and I’m pretty sure I can taste wee. I think I’ve hit rock bottom.
17. I wonder if anyone is going to orgasm? Maybe we should sleep.
18. Sleep would be so nice.
19. Oh good, he’s trying to stick something in my bum. Classic.
*Falls asleep naked aside from face full of make-up including fake eyelashes. Wakes up at approximately 5am with a vommy mouth that feels a bit like a dirty sandpit*