Booze is a cruel mistress because it makes you want to have sex and then makes it incredibly difficult to have sex, because you both turn into clumsy assholes. We’re not all Beyoncé. Here’s what happens when we’re drunk in lust.
1. Jumping someone’s bones in front of anyone else with no shame.Generally speaking, when you are sober you are less inclined to halfway-bang someone in front of a kindly 55-year-old cab driver. Super-embarrassing for everyone involved to remember this the next day.
2. Wondering if you might have to vomit in this person’s bathroom.Like when you are riiiight on the border of “fun drunk” and “nauseous drunk.” And twenty something apartments are so small, he’d totally hear you.
3. Getting the spins while you’re on top.When I am drunk and want to have sex I basically plank and wait.
4. Tripping over things on the way to the bed.That stray Reebok sneaker just jumped right out in front of me.
5. Ignoring 700 texts from your friends because you are deep in the throes of the Drunk Sex Tunnel.“where did you go??” “are you okay?” “don’t get come on my skirt you borrowed.”
6. Waiting for him to find your clitoris, and eventually having to help him as he fumbles around.Although I guess sober guys also can be this way, generally their hand/eye coordination is somewhat superior.
7. Engaging in super-filthy dirty talk that might embarrass you tomorrow.My butthole aches for your tender… you get the idea.
8. Saying “I love you” unplanned.The drunk mid-sex first “I love you” is a very risky, occasionally catastrophic move.
9. Not using a condom.One time when I had to go to the pharmacy to get Plan B, the pharmacist was like, “PARDON? YOU SAID PLAN B, RIGHT? FOR WHEN YOU HAVE UNPLANNED AND UNPROTECTED SEX WITH ANOTHER HUMAN AND NEED TO FACE THE CONSEQUENCES OF YOUR IRRESPONSIBILITY?” (Okay, maybe not the second sentence, but she yelled it really loud and everyone standing behind me waiting for their Claritin eyeballed me like I was a disease-riddled dock prostitute.) (YOLO.)
10. Whiskey dick.😦
11. Not being properly lubricated. Really wanting to have sex but really not being able to is the worst. Until you bust out the K-Y!
12. Thinking you’re being really discreet about sliding your hand up his leg (or whatever) while you have the requisite fake small talk convo with his roommate.The swing-your-legs-over-his-legs move is not as subtle as you think it is.
13. Or brazenly touching his dick while you are at a bar.And giving everyone around you an unwanted dramatic re-enactment of a Penthouse letter.
14. Best case scenario, you’re in a cloud of both of your booze breath combined.Worst case: Taco Bell breath.
15. Blowjobs that take forrrrrever. When you’re going down on a drunk guy, time stops; it’s that Salvador Dali painting with the droopy clocks everywhere.
16. Going back to his place and forgetting you wore clip-in hair extensions.Do you (1) take them out and hide them in his bathroom until the morning or (2) hope he doesn’t try to run his hands through your hair ever?