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19 Things that Happen to your Sex Life once you’ve Been in a Relationship for a Year

03 Dec

19 Things that Happen to your Sex Life once you’ve Been in a Relationship for a Year

Everything’s great. You’re eating so many delicious takeaways, you’re getting more presents at Christmas and then before you know it you’ve just sort of, started having less sex.

Here’s 19 things that happen to your sex life once you pass that one-year mark in your relationship.

 

  1. You’ll often have to pause in the middle of the action to remove a crumpled up, dry, snotty tissue that’s got stuck on one of you. It appears to have come from the depths of the bed. Sexy.
  2. You stop removing clothes in a seductive manner. Turns out it’s pretty damn hard to remove a button-up two piece from Primark and fluffy socks whilst looking like a sultry Victoria’s Secret model.
  3. A week’s worth of downstairs stubble gives you no shame. At all.
  4. Oral sex is suddenly saved for special occasions. Like birthdays and coming home absolutely flipping hammered after a mate’s engagement party. And they said romance was dead.
  5. Pants with holes in, all day erry’day.
  6. You’ve become experts in having silent sex, mainly thanks to all those trips home to your parents’ house/having friends stay over.
  7. More than once you’ve asked your partner to stop and have a look at a spot you’ve felt in your intimate area (your bum) whilst they’re already ‘down there’.
  8. You haven’t had spontaneous sofa sex since you moved into your current home, let alone morning shower sex or whilst washing up sex. Everything is consigned to the bedroom with the lights out.
  9. Sometimes you go off into a daydream trying to work out the last time you had sex and you actually can’t remember and you feel bad about life.
  10. You’ve stopped fooling yourself that there are more than three positions that need doing, ever.
  11. You don’t wear sexy lingerie anymore, mostly because of the fear that the relationship weight gain and lack of shaving will make you look like a furry raw sausage in lace.
  12. Fanny farts happen so frequently that you no longer even acknowledge them.
  13. When you see things like whips and cherry lube in shops you roll your eyes and make remarks like ‘eurgh, who even uses stuff like that?‘ (Answer: Former you)
  14. You know the one trick/position guaranteed to make them orgasm and you just go straight to it every time. Hey, you need all the extra sleep time you can get.
  15. When sex is finished and you get up to go to the loo, you don’t even try and protect your modesty with a dressing gown or sheet. Heck, he knows you look about four months pregnant every time you eat gluten; there’s no point trying to artfully drape something over your gut.
  16. Every time you think the cat is staring at you or someone else in the house is awake or can hear you, you stop abruptly. Ain’t no point risking a moment of awkwardness for an orgasm.
  17. You’ve happily discussed, in detail, how much semen you currently have dripping down your leg and how messy it is. He has not flinched.
  18. You’ve been known to have sex with toothpaste dabbed over your acne.
  19. You’re not scared of asking him to do weird things. If he’s already still with you despite your gut and semen-describing abilities, he’s not going to mind nibbling you in weird places, is he?

 

 
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Posted by on December 3, 2014 in Sex & Relationship

 

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