Look at you, you’ve been sexually active for nearly a decade and you’re crammed with wisdom about love and ‘doing it’.
Here’s what you learn about sex in your twenties…
1. Most women don’t orgasm every single blasted time they have sex. Who knew, eh?
2. Getting pubes stuck in your mouth is a very real problem that will disrupt every single blow job you ever give.
3. One night stands pretty much always give you a horrible emotional come down, no matter how good an idea they seem after seven glasses of wine. Yuck.
4. Men get stretch marks too, uh huh.
5. Sex in the shower and bath aren’t as sexy as fun as they’re hyped up to be. Mostly you’ll get something soapy in your eye, fill the bathroom with a couple of lake-sized puddles, and only be faintly aware that there is a penis in you.
6. Sexy lingerie sets from Ann Summers aren’t the norm. You’ll probably use a suspender belt about four times in your ENTIRE LIFE.
7. It’s really hard to make sex exciting once you’ve passed the six-month mark with someone. Especially if you live with them.
8. How important it is to open a damned window after intercourse. Otherwise your pretty flat littered with Primark cushions and candles? It’ll smell like a 14-year-old boy’s room.
9. Boys are obsessed with boobs and bum holes and you’ve just got to learn to enjoy the ride.
10. And most boys secretly enjoy a sly finger up there, they’re just too scared to admit it or ask.
11. You’re horniest while on your period and it’s really hard to convince men that a little bit of blood on their private parts won’t make it shrivel up and fall off. Honest.
12. The Pill makes you pretty damn crazy, and you’re better off sticking to the contraceptive classic – the condom.
13. Sex is never as, well… sexy, as it is on TV, not ever.
14. Men like keeping their socks on during sex, it’s just a thing.
15. Most men will always assume that a fingering should be hard and fast, and you have to teach them otherwise.
16. Having sex in a car will never lead to the greatest intercourse of your life, mostly because, well… there’s no room and you’re too plagued with fear about being caught to actually relax.
17. Getting fingered at house parties as a teenager was pretty damn daft. Oh you.
18. It’s pretty much impossible to have sex without worrying whether your parents/flatmates/neighbors/pets can here you.
19. Hickeys are hideous.
20. You’re not the only one out there not having threesomes, wearing bondage or having hot anal sex.
21. Turns out, pretty much everyone is a bit wobbly when naked. Who knew?
22. Lube is pretty much the second best invention after the Big Mac.
23. Vibrators make being single (and being in a err, dry, relationship) a very OK thing.
24. You definitely lost your virginity too young. Those 16-year-olds you see in the street are definitely not ready to be getting naked and having all the emotions and all the possible pregnancies.
25. If you look in the mirror straight after sex you will see aggressive panda eyes, and mascara edging towards your chin and it will be both upsetting and surprising every single darn time.25. Not going for a post-sex wee will leave you crying at the doctor’s and begging for antibiotics. Fact.
27. You will never be fit enough to go on top for as long as you want, so you may as well skip the gym and eat that block of cheddar.