Over the years I’ve developed an unfailing method to give a girl the perfect kiss. The following short guide has come at the expense of extensive research, on many and varied test subjects – three girls and a patient cat – and will hopefully help you to net the girl of your dreams, without the need for an actual net (though one might make the whole process go more smoothly).
First, make eye contact. Preferably do this with your own eyes, though you can make contact with a finger if the situation calls for it. The goal here is to get her attention. If you’re in a disco, catch her eye across the dance floor (especially if it’s made of glass and rolling towards you). If she is having an eye exam, pose as the optician and put your eye at the other end of the eye-machine. By the time she realises that she is staring into the misty depths of your iris it will be too late, you will have already made eye contact (as well as optional contact lenses for her, you’re an optician after all).
Send shivers down her spine. There are a couple of ways you can do this; trickle cold water down her spine; hide an ice pack in her jumper; scare her out of her reluctance to kiss you by covering yourself in ketchup and leaping out of a wardrobe, mouth full of regurgitated pasty, hands full of shaved kittens whose backs you’ve scrawled love notes onto with Biro. Whichever method you pick, the idea is to get her shivering, but not so much that she can’t stop. Permanent psychological scarring and recurrent nightmares of you will hinder the impression that it was a perfect kiss that you gave her.
Sweep her off her feet. To do this properly, you may need to go to karate classes and the gym for a month or so beforehand. Try to do it in one swift movement. Wrestle her to the floor, kick her on the shins, use a broom, do whatever is necessary to take her down. If your physique is like mine, she will likely over power you and send you sprawling across the floor if she guesses what you´re attempting, so the element of surprise is vital. Shout surprise in order to create surprise (note: this doesn’t work for other emotions such as happy. Shouting happy at someone will not make them happy, unless they are a dog).
Put her back on her feet. She will be excited as you swept her off her feet, but if you leave her on the floor she may get angry. It’s not that she doesn’t understand your romantic gesture, just that the floor is far away from you, and that is undoubtedly not where she wants to be right now.
Put your hand on her neck. This acts as both a romantic stimulus and a safety mechanism to stop her from escaping. Lightly press your thumb against her throat. This will hamper her breathing and increase her heart rate. An increased heart rate will make her think she is attracted to you, as long as she doesn´t notice that you´re stealthily strangling her, and/or pass out.
Say something romantic. ‘You look a lot like my Mum,’ even if honest, is probably not best. ‘You look a lot like my Dad,’ again not advisable, unless she takes pride in her moustache. ‘You look a lot like my cat,’ depends on the cat, and her moral stance on bestiality. ‘You look a lot like a brick,’ is a safe bet. Bricks are safe, stable, reliable, homely. Tell her she is like a nice home, bit rough around the edges, mouldy in places, but solid, big, definitely somewhere you want to be inside, given a paint job and a spring clean.
Dehydrate her throughout the day. Then when she kisses you and gets that romantic light-headed feeling afterwards, she will assume that it´s love and not a lack of water in her system.
GIVE HER A KISS. This is an important step, not to be overlooked. Hold in your breath, puff out your chest, use your mouth rather than your ear, and hum the national anthem through your nose as you do it. Give the lady a kiss.
The sick test. If she isn’t sick after you’ve kissed her then, well done, you have given her the perfect kiss. If she is sick, check with her doctor and dietitian before you jump to conclusions, because it may not be your fault and you may still have given her the perfect kiss. Just assume that you’ve given her the perfect kiss, unless blood tests or heart and brain scans can prove otherwise.
There you have it. One foolproof kissing guide. If you’re not knocking out girls with the power of your perfect kiss after this, then Men’s Health advises using a baseball bat and getting a kiss in afterwards.